Security guards blocked the Fast Track. They were not the usuals, but wore the same frowns demanded in the job application. They did not stop me from entering. Expecting a convict or a drunk, I stuck to the far side of the hall. It was not either, but I'm glad I stuck to the far side anyway.
A woman sat there, four-hundred pounds, red-faced, and artificially red-haired--so artificially red-haired that the sheet was now artificially red. She had a leg brace.
“They’re letting me go. My MRIs--these idiots.” She said, half into her speaker-phone, half across the ER.
In the meantime I stationed myself before the screen with patient names where I could hear the nurses' conversation. (This was, of course, coincidence. I read the volunteer handbook. I knew I was supposed to walk in circles for hours without hearing anything about anyone.) A nurse spoke, his back turned so the woman couldn't hear.
"She was here before with knee pain. We refused to admit her and she tried to strangle herself with a sheet so we had to admit her for an Eval."
"Looks like we're going that way today." Another nurse smirked as he delivered an IV bag. The RNs chuckled.
A nurse was trying to convince the woman to leave. I recognized him as the one who appreciated Hitler's art after a suspected ex- Nazi from South America appeared in our ER and sparked a Google-search odyssey.
"If you leave with these gentlemen-"
"These two jerks? You want me to leave with them?" She jabbed a finger at a pot-bellied guard.
"Yes and they'll-"
“He doesn't want to drive me. Does he look like he wants to drive me?" She had a point. "Look at his face, he's a jerk."
"Ma'am, leave with security or leave with the police."
"The sheriff will probably take me home." She said, as if security was going to Madagascar. By the look on the guard’s face, it wasn’t impossible.
"Security will take you home.”
As the nurse waved his hand, the woman noticed the wedding band on his finger.
"Are you married?" She grabbed at his hand. He jerked away. She guffawed, astounded.
"Somebody married you?"
The nurse’s voice tensed
"You can either go with security or-"
"Somebody stood at the altar and swore their undying love to you?" She cackled wallowing in her discovery. "Someone married you. Seriously?"
"Ma'am are you going to go with them?" She snorted.
"Fine." The nurse kicked the brake and shoved her towards the ambulance, clipping corners. Of course there was no malice in this--he was just efficient. She stopped laughing.
"Can’t anyone else push me?"
"Everyone else is busy. " I would say that the nurse sounded grimly satisfied, but that’s absurd. The woman pointed at a doctor dictating.
"She's not busy. " The nurse shoved on. I heard "He's not busy" and "She's not busy" echo down the hall. When the nurse returned, another passed by him grinning.
"Pssh, somebody married you?"
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